BDSM Relationship

vs.

Abusive Relationship

Both a Dominant and an abuser seek to have control.  The Dominant accepts what is given freely and cares for what is given.  The abuser takes the control and destroys.  The abuser manipulates with deception and/or intimidation. 

A BDSM relationship has many similarities to an abusive relationship.  Some of the words used in describing abuse are the same terms we use within BDSM.  The difference is that the abuser uses control to destroy the self esteem and happiness of his/her partner.   

This section has been the most difficult to write.  I have watched the discussions on several BDSM lists on the difference between abuse and BDSM.  I have seen too many comments of the female being overly emotional.  Reality:  abuse does take place within our communities.  Abuse is more difficult to distinguish in the lifestyle.  We are not as quick to judge, because of the similarities.  Abuse is less likely to be reported, because of fear of BDSM interests becoming public.  Due to these circumstances, an abuser is able to find shelter within the community.  

Speaking from a submissive's view:

Are you afraid of your partner?  Not afraid of disappointing or displeasing, but physically afraid of his/her anger?

Does your partner try to destroy outside healthy relationships?  i.e. family, children, friends

Does your partner threaten, strike or sexually assault you in anger?  

Does your partner invalidate your feelings? 

 Do you have the right to speak and express feelings, even the negative without fear of retaliation, physical or mental?

Does your partner accept responsibility for his/her own actions?  Does s/he blame you or others?

Is your partner in control of his/her emotions?  Does s/he take a moment to calm down when very angry?

Does your partner lie to you about different things?  This is one sometimes we know the truth inside ourselves and we do not want to admit it.

Have you noticed negative changes within yourself, emotionally or physically?  

Do you find yourself withholding information from your partner, because of fear of their reaction?

Do you lie to others or leave pertinent information out to protect the abuser?

Do you feel despair, fear, anger, depressed or suicidal?

If you are in an abusive relationship, make plans to leave.  Abusive hotlines are found in the front of the phone book.  Each county or providence has its own state run mental health center.  The sheriff's department have resources available.  These numbers are listed in the front or government section of the phone book.

A D/s relationship is based on honesty, communication, trust, caring and love that goes deeper than many can ever imagine or attain.  It takes the work of both or all partners.  Any long term relationship does take work. 

A submissive can be the abuser.  Abuse takes place in same sex and poly relationships.

ABUSE

to gain control by deception, manipulation and/or intimidation

written by lilpetBrat 2001